Marriage is a huge occasion in life that has wide-ranging and long-lasting implications. Most marriages turn out to be happy and the couples have many mutually satisfying years together. However, on the other hand, quite a few of the marital relationships end in divorce and separation.
A marriage can break up due to many reasons: incompatibility of personalities and temperament, mental or physical abuse, lack of money, extramarital affairs and so on. When the dreaded word “divorce” is pronounced by a partner, it signals something more than the end of the marriage. It is the collapse of a dream, a nasty finish to all the aspirations that one had from the relationship.
Many divorces are quite messy and full of rancour. Why is this so? A marriage that has lasted for many years represents much more than a living arrangement between the couple. It entails a significant emotional and financial investment by the partners. It is akin to painstakingly building a nest where one can live with security and comfort. That is why people feel hurt and betrayed when the marriage breaks up.
The partners blame each other for what has happened. Divorce proceedings become an excuse to punish the other spouse. Lawyers are told to file outrageous claims in the court and wash dirty linen in public to humiliate the other party. Such kind of messy divorce proceedings leave the partners psychologically scarred and they carry the mental burden of the episode for a long time.
Many get into depression at what has happened to their lives, while others shy away from getting into any romantic relationship. Quite a few carry feelings of anger, hurt and revenge for years. But this need not be so. There are many things that you can do to get out of the rut and make a fresh start in life.
Take a Long-term Perspective
When you undergo nasty divorce proceedings, it seems to be end of the world. It seems impossible that you can ever forget the episode and the destruction of your family life. However, what is needed at the moment is a long-term perspective of things. Time heals everything and dulls the deepest pain. You should have the attitude that “this will pass too.” There are still many years ahead in your life and many chapters are yet to be opened. One never knows the turns that life can take unexpectedly.
Taking a long-term perspective helps you realise that divorce is just one of the many events in your life and, as years pass, your memory will begin to fade and what appears so important now will slowly recede into the haze of the past.
Distract Yourself
The biggest problem after a messy divorce is the inability of the aggrieved partner to think of anything else. Constantly turning the divorce proceedings in one’s mind and reliving the feelings of hostility and bitterness take their toll on the mental health of the individual. This gives rise to energy-draining feelings of guilt, anger, hurt and depression.
It is, therefore, crucial to distract the mind so that it can move away from divorce and focus on other healthy thoughts. There are many things that can be done for this. Taking up Yoga goes a long way in removing feelings of anxiety and anger. The Yoga exercises promote an aura of peace and makes you feel grounded and centred in your own personality.
Do a Job – Don’t be Home-bound
If you are a woman and were a home-maker before divorce, you should try to take up a job. This will ensure that you get to interact with other people and develop a social circle. Of course, the money you get as salary would be welcome too! The responsibilities of a job will keep you occupied day-long and you will hardly get time to think about the divorce.
Get Involved in a New Relationship
The easiest way to forget about the previous relationship is to get involved in a new one. After a divorce, one tends to acquire feelings of vulnerability and loneliness. There is a need to get intimate with someone and lean on his or her shoulder for support. Starting a new relationship fulfils these primal desires of individuals and you miss the previous relationship much less.
Travel and See the World
You should just take a break after the divorce and remove yourself from your immediate surroundings. If you can afford it, going on a tour of the world or even the country is a good idea. Travelling broadens your mental horizons, exposes you to new cultures and makes you realise how small you and your needs are in the overall scheme of the world. It helps put your personal problems in the right context.
Take Professional Help
If nothing else works, take professional help. A professional divorce counsellor is trained to help you come out of your depression and make you stand on your own feet. Recovering fully from a bad divorce is much harder if you try to do it alone. A helping hand is sometimes all you need in life to get back on track, pick up the pieces and make a fresh start.
