You’ve just found out that your husband is having an affair. What do you do? According to marriage counsellors, an individual at this stage is faced with many options:
- Confrontation: Confront the partner immediately and argue with him or her. Usually the result of this argument is a separation – the erring spouse moves out.
- Professional Help: The spouse takes it upon herself or himself to save the marriage, be it for whatever reason. The couple visits a professional marriage counsellor seeking help. This option is a tough choice as the couple has to put aside their differences and deal with emotional baggage.
- Divorce: The partner decides not to stay in the marriage and divorce. This course of action is usually taken when the couple decides that the marriage is not worth saving.
Social psychologists believe that an extramarital affair can rock and splinter a marriage. It is in the hands of the betrayed spouse to decide what to do. Divorce is an easy option but it is not the only option. One needs to try to work things out – everybody makes mistakes. One should not run away from a problem but face it. One needs to ask the basic question – why? Why do extramarital affairs occur?
Boredom: Usually in a marriage one partner begins to feel bored and frustrated. The excitement and fulfillment are missing. They are not on the same wavelength with their partner anymore and are unable to convey their feelings. Even if they do – the other partner is too busy in her or his own life, or their feelings are just ignored. These bored partners are then forced to seek excitement elsewhere – usually with another person in the form of an affair.
Failing to Move on: Social psychologists insist that affairs happen mainly because both the partners are at two different levels and stages of marital love. One partner is still grappling with sexual love, intimacy and romance – the first phase of marital love. The other partner has moved on with the changing marital situation to experience and give friendship and trust – the third stage of marital love. This incompatibility in perceptions, demands, and needs results in a communication breakdown. The partners are no longer able to understand each other’s viewpoint.
Other common reasons include a failure to understand the real meaning and implication of marriage. A marriage should last ideally under all circumstances – be it despair, misery, happiness or poverty. But this is an ideal scenario. It does not exist in reality. People get married for all the wrong reasons aiming for a short, sweet union. Once the fun part of marriage is over, these individuals start looking elsewhere for fun. This results in an extramarital relationship. Usually such illicit relationships in such marriages do not cause shock or pain. In these cases, divorce does become the obvious solution.
But what about marriages where love is supposed to be the foundation of the marital relationship? In such marriages, unless the erring partner spells it out, the couple ought to try and work things out. Divorce can only be the last option in these marriages. The first step ought to involve seeking the aid of a professional marriage counsellor. Through the marriage counsellor, one can come to know the reason why the partner began to engage in an affair. Once the cause is known, the couple has to work towards a resolution. This can be a painful exercise involving three stages:
Reflective Introspection: After the discovery of cause of the extramarital relationship -- the partners are invited to sit with the counsellor alone and engage in frank and deep introspection. Usually these introspection sessions throw up a lot of issues and clear the air as to the push behind the reason of the affair. Social psychologists state that usually extramarital affairs stem from an irritating behavioural trait. Once this irritating behaviour comes to the fore, the individual starts to realise the chain of events that led to the affair. Of course, if the behaviour trait revealed is sadistic in nature, it should be noted that counsellors do advise divorce. Sadistic behaviour is often seen as the stepping stone to physical, sexual and emotional abuse.
Constructive Communication: This stage occurs when the individual partners are able to resolve self issues and face their own behavioural habits. It involves open, two-way communication under the trained eyes of the marriage counsellor. Emotions, questions, and issues are discussed. Each partner is encouraged to talk and listen attentively – to know and understand the emotions of the other partner. This phase of constructive communication is usually viewed as a joint catharsis exercise. The individual partners own up to their mistakes. The basic aim of this stage is to make the partners realise the true meaning and importance of marriage.
Resolution: This is the last stage of the exercise involving a fresh new start to marital life without looking behind at the past. It, however, does not mean not learning from past mistakes. It fundamentally means making the right demands and choices, sacrifices and compromises to understand the true meaning of marital love and commitment.
But more than 35% of divorces occur due to extramarital affair. When the erring partner refuses to listen to reason and accept responsibility, there is no point in arguing to save the marriage. It is best to walk out.
