Emotional abuse is the second major cause of divorce in the
What is emotional abuse? And how can you cope with it? These are just some of the questions you will be able to answer if you continue to read this article.
Threatening Behaviour
Punching walls, kicking the dog, breaking down doors, etc. are some of the ways in which the abuser demonstrates his tendency to violence. He could threaten to have his partner locked up in an asylum, or report her to the Social Services as an ‘unfit mother, or even threaten to commit suicide or leave. These are simply control tactics. The abuser needs to instil fear and compliance into his victim. What’s more, in the victim’s view, her abuser becomes both a source of pain as well as a protector, for he can choose not to act on his threats. This only serves to make his victim more dependent on him. It is a vicious cycle.
Threats can also lead to sexual abuse, where the abuser emotionally and psychologically manipulates his victim to submit to unwanted sex. He may attempt to make her feel guilty, and ‘punish’ for some reason. He may threaten to hit her or leave her for another woman if she does not submit to his sexual demands.
Since emotional or psychological abuse can be subtle, women often fail to recognize it. It can leave scars on the soul that may never heal, and seriously damages self-esteem. In fact, part of the ploy is to slowly wear down the victim’s self-esteem till she begins to either accept her abuser’s actions, or take responsibility for them.
A note here: alcohol does not cause abuse. An abusive person will be abusive whether he is drunk or sober. However, alcohol may encourage abusive behaviour since it breaks down inhibitions.
Here are some guidelines to help you recognize the many ways in which your abuser can manipulate you, and increase your dependence on him. Remember that these kinds of threats usually go unnoticed by others.
Isolating the Victim
A woman might take this kind of behaviour as ‘possessiveness’ at first, and even welcome it (he tells her he cares for her safety, and this only proves his love for her), but it won’t be long before she realizes that her abuser is only trying to control her, and break her down. His own insecurity could be the cause. He will try and control what his victim does, whom she meets, and where she goes. He can do this by not allowing her to use the phone, invite her friends or family over, or visit them. He may attempt to make her feel guilty for enjoying herself at work, or making friends. He will accuse her of neglect, and insist that her hobbies, career or friends are more important to her than he is. He may even ensure that they move home so frequently that she cannot build a social support network for herself.
Verbally Abusing the Victim
Verbal abuse is not just about calling you names, and yelling and shouting. It seeks to destroy your self-esteem and discount your ideals and beliefs. It entails critical or humiliating remarks such as: “I told you you’re stupid. You won’t understand,” or “What would you know about love? Your mother never loved you!” Your abuser may insist you resolve issues and refuse to let you sleep at night.
Financially Abusing the Victim
Unless you are financially independent, you can make yourself vulnerable to a partner with abusive tendencies. He may deny you access to funds, burden you with the responsibility of handling all finances, while he himself handles funds irresponsibly, or prevent you from making money.
Link between Childhood Abuse and Adult Abusive Relationships
Research seems to show that there is such a link. Adult experience of abusive relationships often has its source in either the victim’s or the perpetrator’s childhood. One theory states that children growing up in families where there is abuse or severe neglect, learn harmful ways of relating. Thus, as adults, these children subconsciously choose partners who have the same unhealthy ways of relating.
Another theory holds that children growing up in dysfunctional families get used to the ‘drama’ of it all’, and seek it out in their adult relationships.
Get out of that Abusive Relationship!
Once you’ve realised that you are indeed in an unhealthy relationship that prevents both of you from growing as individuals, and can prove destructive, abandon the relationship immediately. Be warned that the abuse can accelerate after you leave (75% of women are murdered by their abusers after they leave). Take the necessary precautions – enlist the help of the law if needed. Hire security to protect you in your home. If you think you need psychiatric help to come to terms with your own abusive childhood – whether you witnessed abuse between your parents, or were abused yourself by one or both of them- make sure you seek it out. In the end you will be proud of yourself, and will not choose the wrong partner again.
