Contested divorces are not mutual. Here one spouse files for divorce. The respondent receives the divorce petition. Hence, there is a lot of bitterness involved.
Reading the Signs: A divorce decision does not come out of the blue. It is a planned decision. The spouse usually has an idea that he or she is going to get served with divorce papers. There are behavioural signs, which ought to be taken seriously. These usually include:
- Excessive drinking
- Keeping long hours at work and deliberately avoiding going out with spouse and family
- Not sharing financial family responsibilities -- keeping individual bank accounts, credit cards.
- Documenting individual share in joint financial income and expenses
- Abusive behaviour i.e. subtle or major emotional, sexual and physical abuse towards spouse and children
These signs act as warning signals to the spouse that all is not right in the relationship. These signals do not emerge overnight. They usually exist in the marriage but go unnoticed. But these warning signals are important. They are a wake-up call for the spouse to sit up and take charge. If not, the spouse can soon be served with divorce papers. The spouse has to face the repercussions either way.
It does not matter whether the divorce is slapped on him or her. It can also happen that he or she makes the decision. The spouse has to be emotionally and cognitively prepared for the ripple consequences.
Introspection: The spouse needs to sit back and evaluate the importance and worth of marriage. What has the marriage given him or her -- is it fulfilling? Is the spouse abusive or uncaring? Is the spouse sad and restless? Is there a social or substance abuse problem, which cannot be resolved? Is divorce the only option? Is there any way of saving or salvaging the marriage? Does the spouse want to save the marriage?
Introspection also allows the spouse to shed his or her guilt feelings. It helps the spouse to be clear about what has happened. It allows him or her to decide and take the final step. It provides him or her an insight into the consequences of the divorce decision. It prepares the spouse for what is to come in the following weeks after his or her decision.
Options: This is the time when the spouse has to consider various options. These involve options for herself or himself and family members involved. Are there any other ways to stay in the marriage and lead fulfilling, happy, and secure independent lives? Here, the spouse can consider marriage counselling as a recourse. It is important to remember that marriage counselling does not warrant that a marriage is fixed. It merely helps a couple to understand their inner feelings.
It helps them decide whether they want to be in the marriage or not. The counsellor puts before them various options of informal and formal separation. These arrangements are temporary allowing the couple to spend time alone. These arrangements can help the spouse in seeing things for what they are.
Children and Other Family Members: Divorce is not an individual affair affecting only the spouses. It impacts all involved family members. This includes children and family members. Children are affected in both positive and negative ways by divorce. Family members of relatives, grandparents and even friends also get impacted.
The spouse has to consider issues of child custody and ownership of marital home. What effect will this have on the psyche and emotional skills of the child? A spouse has to think as a parent in these circumstances. Perhaps, an informal separation is warranted. The circumstances may decide that this is not the time for divorce. The spouse has to always keep the interests of the child as top priority.
The child and other family members should be eased into the divorce decision. The divorce decision should not come as a shock to them. The spouse should prepare them mentally and emotionally for it. This lessens the adverse effect.
Breaking the News: Deciding to divorce in one's mind is quite different from telling it to the person. The divorce decision has to be told face to face. It should not:
- Be told on the phone
- Be told outside the marital home
- Be told before children, relatives or friends -- give the spouse a chance to react. Do not break the news all of a sudden at a social gathering in front of work colleagues, friends and relatives. It might embarrass the spouse and worsen circumstances. Give the spouse his or her dignity to grieve and react privately. It is time to be mature and sensitive to the issue.
- Ease the spouse into the divorce decision -- always ensure that the spouse knows what is happening. Give him or her the opportunity to know how you feel and where things stand. Always give the spouse a chance to state his or her feelings about your decision. This actually eases the emotional shock a bit. It gives the spouse a feeling of control. It avoids giving him or her a feeling of a helpless victim swept by circumstances.
